


Germy Doo Where Are You?

by Pathologies



Category: Night In The Woods (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Humor, I blame saturn barz, Implied Sexual Content, Psychological Horror, this is a thinly veiled scooby doo thing, this is my attempt at this sort of thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 02:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10630251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathologies/pseuds/Pathologies
Summary: "Evening for the Astro Guys"





	

**Author's Note:**

> I realized this was published with the wrong archive warning which was EXTREMELY misleading I am so sorry

“Like, if the car were to roll over who do you think would get horribly mangled first?”

“Oh oh! Me!” Mae waved her hand to Gregg, “I'd try to throw myself out the car cause like there's better odds of staying alive, but at the same time there's a better chance you'd all get to see me die in a cool way.”

“W-T-F Mae,” scoffed Gregg, “You're not gonna ride or die with the rest of us? I wanna at least go out all splayed, like a model so people will think I'm some kind of freak and talk about me on the internet wouldn't that be fucked up and great.”

She laughed, snorting in her seat, “Jeeez!!! I'm trying to give you guys something cool to look at in your last moments! Yours is just weird Gregg!”

“Okay, Bug.” Angus was in the seat next to him, “We've tolerated 'How Would You Die' for the last hour now, but this is kind of hitting too close to home, don't you think?”

“If you guys wreck my car I'll personally visit you in hell or wherever you are and make you pay up for the insurance,” Bea didn't take her eyes off the road once moment. 

Germ, in the trunk, intoned in his usual voice, “All cars are slowly killing us anyway. They're choking the Earth with their smoke and oil. And I think we're almost to that one place, Witches Grove. Maybe ten, fifteen minutes.”

“Thanks, Germ. Maybe we got time to make a stop for some celebration pizza? Celebratizza?”

Bea eyed the cat in the seat next to her, “Uh, no. We're keeping the money from the last 'ghost sting' for essentials like keeping the car going and actual affordable food.”

Gregg stretched out, leaning against Angus, “Maybe we can celebrate after with a dozen donuts! I mean, this Creeps Machine was your idea.”

“This is my car and I didn't say anyone can call it that.”

Mae whispers under her breath, “Creeps Machine, Creeps Machine...”

Gregg whispers in unison, “Creeps Machine, Creeps Machine, Creeps Machine....”

“I don't have any problem making you two walk.”

“Can I walk?” Germ peered over the trunk.

“Sorry Germ, but I don't trust you out there.”

It had been months since Mae proposed the idea of them proposing the idea of the gang getting together and just going out helping people with their 'ghost problems' (it turned out many of them were bad neighbors too stubborn to commit fraud). While Bea didn't feel wild about using her car and using the budget for gas, it did one thing: get them out of Possum Falls and driving to something literally to look forward to. 

They were together, working towards something and Germ came along too.

Bea's Creeps Machine pulled up to Witches Grove, a road with no pavement and a line of gnarled old trees bearing no leaves lining up to the road like they wanted to greet the car. They found it especially odd given it was summer. But most odd came at the end of the road: a rickety wooden house. It looked old enough to go back to maybe the fifties or forties, 

Bea pulled up to the fence at the house front. From the lights she could tell someone lived here. “So here we are...Witches Grove.”

“Like I heard that like on the internet and plenty of newspapers say it looks really creepy.”

“...is that it?” Angus asked. “I mean no ghost or...?” He didn't believe in them but no ghost story at all, just a weird feeling?

Gregg shook his head. 

“Okay that's it I'm gonna turn around--” Bea gave a startled oh my god as she nearly ran over an rusted and matted in fur raccoon.

“Evening folks.”

“You're sort of in the way of my car.”

“You're those mystery kids, right?”

Mae nodded her head fast, “That's right, we're the whole Mystery Bunch.”

Bea squinted. Gregg groaned. Angus shifted in his seat uncomfortably. This was part of a series of attempts for Mae to make a gang name.

 

The raccoon paid no mind, “Then you can help me with a problem.”

Mae swung open the passenger door, “Sure, what is it!”

“I tell you, somethin's been goin' on since that meteor hit a few miles over. Ever since it won't leave me alone. I go to get mail, it's there. I get down the hallway it's there. I go read in the study and it--”

“Do you live alone or something?” asked Bea.

“I'm the sole heir to this property, all ten acres you see.”

Angus had a short ohhh moment before the raccoon continued, “It's no ghost...it's like an astronaut! But no face! Like a...space ghost!”

“Space ghost.”

“Big and glowing with some kind of third arm comin' out it's face.”  
“Hey I think I've seen plenty of third arms coming out of--”

Bea revved the engine, making the cat jumpy. “We'll just take care of it and then that's it?”

“Ohh you bet, I'll pay you what you need!”

“What if we need like, a big condo with all the pizza we could eat?”

“Gregg...” Angus sighed.

The raccoon looked confused before returning to Bea, “Like I said, I can pay you whatever you need.”

“Sounds good...you just go to a hotel or whatever.”

“Ohh you bet! I'm not stayin' in this home with that Astro...somethin'...Guy hanging around a minute longer!” Bea watched with surprise as he began to book it down the road, no car at all.

They might as well get started. Inside the house had a friendlier look than its gray wooden exterior with its plush carpeting, floral wallpaper, and bright chandeliers lighting each part of the house. It felt weirdly appropriate enough for a haunted house. Bea felt it appropriate enough to start lighting up as the rest of the gang gathered in the living room to hang on the red velvet couches, sadly lacking in a TV.

“No WIFI, well this sucks,” sighs Mae.

“It's a deserted house,” Angus said, “So my bets are on either a real estate agent desperate to scare him away to sell or a jealous distant relative.”

“Mystery solved.” Bea shrugged.

“Oh my god. These couches are so soft, like can you imagine how soft the beds are?” asked Gregg.

“Guys guys guys, don't give up on the mystery already I mean--”

All of them froze as they watched a glowing blue astronaut suit simply walk into the kitchen across from the living room. None of them weren't prepared to hear the echoing groan, much like an awakening old man amplified to several decibels. Angus shuddered. Eventually the specter faded, like a film from the picture.

“...see?!” Mae pointed. “There's a monster ghost here.”

“That's easy,” Angus grinned, “They used a projector with a megaphone/amplifier.”

“You're so smart Cap'n.”

“Thanks, Bug.”

“You know I was right about that one thing...” she felt frustrated.

“I believe you,” Germ said, laying out on the rug at the end of Mae's leash.

Bea hesitated, “...okay so obviously we need to split up and find evidence of this Astro Guy. So Bea and me look around downstairs.”

“And me and Angus got upstairs! See you in a bit!” the both of them ran together fast up the plush staircase.

Mae slowly brought her eyes together to a squint, “They're not going to look for the ghost aren't they?”

“Probably not.”

“Oh well, I got you, Germ. You'll help me. A helpful Germ.”

“I don't feel like it. I kind of want to lay here.”

“Don't suck out on me already, Jeremy.” she grumbled, “I let you tag along.”

“I let everyone tag along,” added Bea.

“Anyway, would you do it for maybe...a Germy Snack?”

Germy snacks were a special mix of god knows what concocted by Germ and Mae together and enjoyed soley by Germ and Mae. It was the few ways the both of them truly bonded. What Bea saw of it looked like gray dryer lint, maybe aged cotton candy.

“...I can work with that.”

She shook her own custom Germy Brand of Germy Snacks, “Cooome and get it!”

Much like a dog he wait patiently for Mae to feed it to him. Bea turned her back on this display, refusing to give it any more time. “So let's look for that ghost.”

Mae and Germ plodded along through the living room down the hallway of grandfather clocks. Perhaps too many grandfather clocks to a single hallway in a grandfather clock-to-hallway ratio. Bea 'investigated' the kitchen by giving time to let blood pump through her after sitting in a car for so long and being unable to smoke. The investigation downstairs had a great start.

Down the hall she struck up conversation with Germ, “You know, my grandpa said our house was haunted. I used to think it was true...until I don't know. And then the other stuff happened again and now...I sort of believe. Maybe our house is like, a part of that world that I saw in my dreams, you know Germ?”

Germ stopped crawling for a moment, making Mae stumble a bit, “Maybe Possum Springs is just like that. It's a window, a hole into another world. Maybe there's places like Possum Springs all over the world. Just holes into something else.”

She laughed, “Possum Springs is so bad that even Possum Springs doesn't want to stay.”

Germ stared at the clock, “I could fit in this. I'm gonna sleep in this for tonight.”

The cat wanted to dispute that but she had to bend down and ask, “Wait really? I wonder if I could fit in one of these...need one to go with my positive figure.”

“There has to be one...” as she shoved her hand into the grandfather clock she felt a hand on her shoulder, “Oh hey, Bea.”

Mae saw it was a blue glove of space-age material on her shoulder. Eyes made a slow crawl up the arm to that empty helmet—well, formerly empty. For now she could see its fluorescent violet tendril creep from its face. Strange how the word 'like a third leg' just didn't accompany it. 

The cat in horror acted on her instinct, did only what came to her mind first. “Oh my god Bea, you're actually really here!”

The space creep turned a tendril over its shoulder. Mae had no hesitation in booking it with Germ, hiding in the furthest grandfather clock. Leaving the hallway to escape would have been more rational, but she did what she could under her terror. Of course, the ghost did the best it could by instantly picking out the clock they managed to stash themselves inside, a clock they found out later didn't fit them but they broke to get both Germ and Mae to fit. Following her train of irrational brilliance, she carried Germ to the next clock.

It became a pattern of this for awhile: Mae and Germ hid in a clock while the monster searched for them and then did a switch.

Mae found her chance to escape in the realization that they could leave the hallway. Also the fact they stretched a clock too many times made it finally strain and collapse on the unsuspecting ghost, giving them time to catch up with a disinterested Bea smoking.

“Bea! Bea! There really is...” she had to catch her breath. Germ went back to lying on the carpet.

“...you broke a lot of stuff, didn't you.” She had something else to say when the space creep showed up right at that moment, with a bit of a strange broken grandfather clock crop top going on. It wasn't a great fashion choice. But all she had coming out of her mouth was 'oh god'. 

She corralled both adult children, Germ and Mae upstairs to where Greg and Angus went to investigate. She didn't want to leave them in a house with some creep. Turns out the upstairs was a big series of bedrooms, all identical. Even worse was the pursuant creep on their tail. Bea had no choice but to hide in the nearest bedroom—just turns out to be the one Greg and Angus picked. By picked they mean picked to undo the bed, throw their clothes on the floor, and make out.

“Of all the places to pick having sex, you pick here and now?!”

Greg shot up from the sheet, “Bea? Mae? Germ?! God, you guys!!”

“This is like that one dream, except Mae isn't driving a car into our apartment.” growled another voice beneath the sheets.  
“Wait, Angus. Dude. You gotta tell me that one. Also wait! You didn't even look for the ghost once?!”

“Well it wasn't like we were gonna find it and this is like honeymoon spot number fifteen.You guys should thank us for not having sex in Bea's car all those times we COULD have had sex in Bea's car. That's how much we value you as a friend.”

“...did you try?--”

Mae cut her off, “While you guys were having fun me and Germ found the ghost.”

“Wait really?” asked Angus.

She threw open the door to a groaning apparition. Of course she realized her mistake, a mistake that made the rest of them start bolting in terror. That included a Gregg and Angus mistakenly taking each other's clothes.

The gang decided to spread out to different bedrooms of the upstairs, all of them weirdly identical with flower wallpaper and luxurious mattress under the neoclassical bedframe. 

But the ghost chasing them didn't care about that and neither did they. This was the beginning of a chase where one filed out the door with the ghost from another while they fled across the hall. Gregg fled with Angus' sweater while Angus could barely move in Gregg's jacket. Germ followed Mae while Bea was trying to wrangle crowd control in vain. 

It was the start of a chase that could have been easily followed with a little pop tune. Maybe something by Mac Demarco or Kendrick Lamaar, whatever you may feel is more representative of today's musical landscape. 

It felt like minutes had passed before Mae and the gang crash into each other. Not literally. Only Mae and Gregg (who got his jacket and pants back). Both of them laugh it off as Bea puts out a cigarette on the floor, “Alright so uh, who's tired of this already show of hands? Me. Me.”

Angus, bent over and wheezing, “Yeah, let's just catch this weirdo and go home.”

“But guys,” Mae didn't care for their blasé attitudes, “Did you not see it floating? It floats! And the tentacle thing!?”

“That's easy, it's probably some kind of...advanced marionette with a drone installed.” He felt embarrassed at his not entirely logical explanation, “I'll figure it out once we catch this ghost.”

“I mean we already know how this happens right? I mean, Mae and Germ lure the ghost out and Angus and Gregg throw the trap out. And I stay behind to call an ambulance in case anyone—Mae-- does something to hurt themselves.”

“Okay but can't we switch it up a bit,” sighed Mae, “I mean, you don't know my trap-making skills! I could make a pit of inescapable body oil. Imagine how gross they'll feel.”

“Yeah I mean I'm kind of tired of luring all these ghosts and monsters. Remember stitched-up-murder-Dan?”

Angus lent a sympathetic ear, “Aw come on guys, would you do it for a Germy Snack?”  
With a shake of his own package of Germy Snacks (he never dared to look inside), the gang had their plan in motion.

“Alright Mae and Germ so you just hang at the top of the stairs while Gregg and Angus set up this soccer net once the ghost comes over, you make sure he comes running down here. I'll be keeping an eye on my car.”

“Okay...” Mae kicked her legs back and forth, “So when he comes here we just swooce right in?”

“What?”

“Swooce.”

“Swooce.”

“Swooce.”

Germ curled up on the floor, disinterested. 

They waited a long time, longer than they thought. But soon Mae jolted when she heard that familiar groan. That astro creep must have known they would hang out around there. But she would be brave for her friends, “Hey! I don't know what your deal is, but you're not gonna bully us away!”

He words must have done the trick for the ghost got across the upstairs in a mere two seconds. Acting on her impulses, Mae leaned to shove the astro creep...with Germ. The combine weight of the creep, her, and Germ caused them all to tumble gracelessly downstairs, forcing a landing on Gregg.

The spectral astronaut had better instincts on handling yourself in a dogpile for it shoved Mae and Germ aside in favor of grabbing Gregg.

Unfortunately for the ghost, Gregg had a bad habit picking fights with people who picked on his friends, prompting a flurry of punches to the ghost's gut. Doubly unfortunate Angus didn't care for people carrying his boyfriend who weren't him. While Angus was asthmatic and not good at running, the size and rumbling in Angus' voice motivated the astro creep to start running.

This led to its near getaway through the porch when Bea simply put out her leg in front of him, toppling both him and Gregg. 

The gang convened instantly to restrain this creep, Angus wheezing as he comforted a shook up Gregg, “Bug, you okay?”

“Aaaabsolutely. This is unrelated, but can I take a nap on you on the way home?”

Mae peered at the creature, unable to get away, “So I guess...it's just a guy in a mask.”

“That's right, Mae,” explained Angus, “He used bluetooth speakers to amplify a recording while using a light projection to scare us. Seeing that didn't deter us, he used a special optical trick involving wires, a big costume, and puppeteering. He wanted that raccoon off the property.”

“Did we ever get his name?”

“No, but he wanted Witches Grove since he knew it was worth a lot of money.”

“Alright, ghost...or 'person'...” Mae reached for the helmet, “Let's see who you really are!”

Here it was, validation that she was worried for nothing. She would pop it open and her worries would go away. She would open it and...

Nothing.

Literally nothing.

It was a blank emptiness where the head should be. 

Everything was...it didn't feel right. It didn't feel like a dream, but it felt like time went through a straw. A straw slurped through a milkshake.

None of her friends were talking. They just stayed in place. Staring. Not even twitching or blinking.

She looked at that blankness, that emptiness.

It spoke to her.

<< It's a good game, Mae. >>

“Oh god not this again.”

<< Again and again. But this is the last warning. You can't run from Possum Springs forever. It will break from Possum Springs. And the world is Possum Springs. >>

God, it felt like she was being put under when she pulled herself off the table off table at some greasy spoon, made to look like a 1950s diner. 

That...wasn't a dream, she thought, it was too real and too weird to be one.

“Gregg why do you insist on dragging Mae into every diner when she's asleep?”

“Cause I know Mae and she'd hate it if she missed out on—Maaaaae oh my god!!! You're awake! You almost missed the only place for miles with one dollar menu shakes.”

“...you don't remember...?”

“Last night?” Gregg shook his head, “God it felt like such a blur, there was something about a house and we just kept driving and before we knew we ended up here with a bunch cash!”

“And you don't feel weird or tired?”

“I feel great!” Gregg flapped his arms.

Angus agreed, “I feel pretty refreshed.”

“Yeah I'm about less shit than usual.” 

“I could go for some Germy Snacks.” Germ said.

“Oh my god Germ!” Gregg said, “Didn't you just have those in the car?”

“Yeah but I want them now.”  
Mae propped her head with one hand, “It really felt like a weird night huh? I really hope it isn't too late to order.”

“Hey...” Gregg looked at her, “Are you okay?”

“I'm about the same as I'll ever be.” It's as close to average as she'll get.


End file.
